Surrogacy is not easy. You don't just walk into a clinic, meet some parents and have a dr give you some embryos to grow. Its a long drawn out process. For me doing a sibling, it was much easier, or so I thought up until this past May. It is easier in the sense that most everything is done, paperwork, medical stuff, legal stuff. It was more difficult because the emotional bonds we have are so much stronger, so the hurt goes much deeper. I took a break from my blog because I didn't have the words. We were thrown for a loop, and I had feelings I didn't expect.
Our cycle in April was successful. We had positive, rising betas, and at the 7w2d u/s a beautiful heartbeat. We were thrilled, ecstatic~every good emotion you can possibly think of, that's what we felt. After six failures finally SUCCESS!! Then the nausea starts, and I felt like I was hit with a Mack truck. LOL I did get relief with meds and was just adjusting to hormones, meds and all that when I had a bleeding episode. That led to another u/s at 8w2d and it wasn't good news. I was here at home, not in MD, and the parents weren't up here. Just me. Pat was still in the waiting room. Just me and the u/s tech. I love her to pieces, as she's a family friend, and felt so horrible that she had to give me the bad news. It was Friday afternoon, arrangements and decisons had to be made, and quickly as we had to get back home and prepare for our daughter's first Prom. The u/s office got a hold of my Dr, and I had an appt with him immediately. I was able to talk to the parents. What could I say? It was the most difficult conversation ever.
I met with my Dr and we discussed options. Let everything happen naturally or opt for the D&E. I'd rather have things happen naturally, but with the calendar showing Memorial Day and a family wedding within the next two weeks, I didn't want anything to happen unexpectedly to have to miss those happy days. My Dr was very kind, explained everything, all the risks of both options. My head was spinning. If I chose to get it over with, that meant my first ever experience with anesthesia. If I chose to wait it out, heavy cramping and bleeding could come at any time in the next 2-3 weeks. Neither option was appealing. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and wake up later, praying it was just a dream. I opted for the D&E, and it was scheduled for Monday, May 23rd. I left the office numb..but wanting to just get on with my day and the Prom.
Since we didn't tell too many people about the cycle or the pregnancy, I felt pretty alone with the miscarriage. The thought of carrying something inside me that was no longer living and thriving was making me ill. I kept a brave face and was so thankful for Rissa's Prom to distract me from my misery.
The D&E went as well as could be expected. Anesthesia is something that nobody could prepare me for..LOL The weirdest thing ever! I woke up coughing, choking and crying. Lovely. The recovery room was more of a blur. I remember thinking, "Wow, it seems like only 20 minutes went by and I'm off to my regular room." When I arrived, Pat said "Finally!" I was in recovery for an hour and 20 minutes, not just 20 minutes. I still don't know where that hour disappeared to...
I had a quick recovery, no issues and the Dr cleared me to try again at my four-week follow up visit. He was so sweet and made sure to tell me it was nothing I did, these things just happen, and I could try when ever I was ready.
"Ready" is a word that is hard to define. Ready physically? mentally? both? I knew my heart couldn't take any more disappointment for the parents. But could I really walk away when they have four frozen embryos ready to go? I was ready to throw in the towel. It took me about a month to decide to try again.
Thankfully, frozen transfers are easier than a fresh. I had only birth control pills, estrogen and progesterone. No Lupron. Lupron is awful, and I was relieved to not have to deal with is this round. All we needed for this cycle was a good month and day to have the transfer. Summer has a lot of vacations for both of our families, so we decided end of August. I didn't want it any later than Sept 15, as I have no intentions of being 9 months pregnant in my daughter's high school graduation photos. lol The clinic set up a calendar quickly, and gave us the date of August 29th. All I had to do was call in on my cycle day 1, and start taking BCPs on cycle day 3. Piece of cake.
Or so I thought. Cycle day 1 was July 22nd, and my Pills were ready for July 24th. I've always had issues with the Pill, usually minor bleeding which is common. I only had to take them for 15 days, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad. Well, bad wouldn't even begin to describe the hell I went through for a week. I contacted the clinic several times (Wed, Thur, Friday, Sunday) with no call back and no help. FINALLY on Monday, Aug 1st I get some instructions on how to treat my issue of heavy bleeding. Monday was just too late. My body is usually borderline anemic as it is, and I could tell that this episode pushed it over the edge and I need some iron pills fast. I had to get my levels back up before transfer! I put in a call to my PCP and asked for blood work and iron pills. I had the blood work done on Monday, and got a call Tuesday morning. "Melissa, can you get up to the hospital for blood work today for a transfusion tomorrow?" Um..WHAT?
Yep, that's right. My iron was so low, my PCP ordered 2 units to be transfused on Wednesday. The day we were supposed to leave for our last vacation of the summer. So, as I sat there in the Infusion Therapy clinic for 6 long hours, I had a lot of time to think. Most of that time was spent wondering how in the heck I got myself stuck in that chair in the first place. All I wanted to do was help a couple have a baby! I can not put into words the anger, rage, fury I had going on in my head with the clinic. How dare they ignore me? I did what I was supposed to do! I called when there was a problem! I refuse to give them any more of my time, so let's just say the we all have a new nurse now.
So after all that, I ended up going camping with my family and trying to put the issues with the nurse and the clinic behind me. Although that didn't work well. I continued to get emails & voicemails from the clinic, I was ready to throw my phone in the lake.
I've spend the last week wondering how in the heck I ended up having a miscarriage, going through a D&E, my first time with anesthesia and my first blood transfusion in a matter of 10 weeks time? And all in the name of surrogacy? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I continue to go through shots, pills, appointments, time away from my family and (so far) get nothing in return for my efforts? My answer? I don't really know! What I do know is that when I look at my children goofing off and clowning around together, I know that there is a couple that wants nothing more than the same thing. Just the chance to have another child. A sibling for their little boy. This road is long and hard, much longer and harder than I ever expected. I can't throw in the towel, they have frozen embryos, and we're transferring two at the end of this month.
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